Bubbles in Your Pot

Failure's hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever.
- Po Bronson
Author of stories, screenplays and nonfiction including What Should I Do with my Life?

In the pot of life, my water is vigorously simmering....just about to boil, but not quite there yet. I crave the rapid boil, and I'm almost there. You can't rush the progress, and watching the clock makes it feel like a lifetime. I know how to reach my goals, and I know it's up to me to keep the heat on high.

The first step I've taken is in severing ties with private aviation. Hallelujah!!! The heavens are rejoicing, my parents are happy, my sister is overjoyed, I am ecstatic.

Does this mean I'm currently unemployed and semi-broke? Yes it does. Which, I'm not so ecstatic about. However, it's better to be here than there, trust me.

We've all drawn up a few pros vs. cons lists throughout the years, right? I started with the "Billy's pros vs. Billy's cons" (name changed to protect the guilty...err... I mean, innocent). Next came the oh-so-dramatic "green prom dress pros vs. green prom dress cons". Then what better way to kick off your first adult decision than by formulating the "UNLV's pros vs. UNLV's cons" list. I'm not neurotic, I'm a lists person. I also like facts and hard evidence. It's difficult to dispute a list based conclusion if the cons out-number the pros. However, I suppose you have to trust yourself in filling in your pro and con columns honestly.

In the long list of pros, there are just as many cons (if not more) in the whirlwind life I've lived for the past 3 1/2 years. I was flipping through the pages of my journal from 2007 yesterday. As I read, I can remember each experience so vividly like it was yesterday. But it also feels like a lifetime ago, like the girl I'm reading about isn't me. It's a totally different person. Does that make any sense? I've changed so many things about my lifestyle, my habits, my interests. I left the high rise luxury condo, ditched the sweet brand new Mercedes Benz, got swindled, deceived and forced out of a high paying career by a law breaking Canadian businessman, deceived into believing and participating in his gigantic lies for 2 years, and dropped completely and suddenly like one of his questionable shell companies ....The list goes on.... My life is drastically different, and I'm SO GRATEFUL.

An excerpt from my journal. March 12, 2007:

Paris. What a beautiful city. We arrived here Sunday afternoon after a hellish flight from Miami to Toronto (where we were delayed several hours on the ramp due to flight plan filing errors), to Manchester UK, to Brussels (on the ground for another 3 hours for a meeting. Atleast we got 2 hours shuteye on the plane), then finally to Paris. We are again staying at our regular hotel, Marriott Renaissance Vendome. It's right around the corner from Le Place Vendome. I love it here. Today I woke up bright and early, 5am! Went downstairs and had a great breakfast in the hotel. Half a grapefruit, oat bran and an egg white omlet with veggies. The hotel staff know me by name at this point. So bizarre. I decided to walk towards the Louvre and through the Jardins des Tuilleries to dissolve the jet lag. I need to get out in Paris more with my camera. We're here so often, and I never take the time to just wander. Photograph the small things that catch my eye. Anyways, I figured the morning lighting and shadows would make for some great pictures. Wow was it beautiful this morning!! It was very mild outside - maybe 50 degrees, and the sun was brightly shining. I took some nice shots (the picture of the Louvre at the bottom of my blog was taken right here at this moment!) and then suddenly my camera died! No idea why. I went back to the hotel and plugged it in, hoping it was just a dead battery. After an hour of charging, nothing... So disappointing. I ventured back out to the city anyways, sans camera. What a shame. I walked back to the Louvre and saw there was relatively no line. I paid my 8.50 euros, put in my ipod ear buds (Andrea Bocelli) and wandered through the museum for a good 3 hours. I saw the temporary exhibit on Armenian artifacts, Ancient Roman and Greek sculpture and Art de'Islam. All very beautiful and inspiring. I would love to take a few art history courses so I actually have a clue behind the history of these great pieces I'm seeing here. After crowds got progressively thicker, I left, and ate a nice tart green apple while walking down the Seine river and over to the Left Bank. It was my intent to find a little Brasserie for lunch, but I enjoyed getting lost in the more residential areas here. Children were running home from school for lunch hour, people were bustling around, and nobody knew I was a tourist. It was fantastic. It was nice to feel like I blended in. Although, I did feel a little embarrassed as I stumbled over my limited French, as I wasn't sure how to respond when people were obviously talking to me. I really need to brush up on my French!! I finally found a little cafe and had a delicious Nicoise salad. Made it over to Saint Germaine. Found a beautiful church on the corner. I can't recall the name. It was enormous inside! Beautiful and delicate stained glass windows from floor to ceiling. I sat inside for a while, taking in the Catholic spirit, but didn't feel spiritual. I felt small and disconnected. Interesting feelings... Well tomorrow we go to London for the night. It will be nice to get back, I haven't been in a few months. I really enjoy it there, and of course, as much as I adore the rest of Europe, it's refreshing to go somewhere where English is spoken! Makes life easier."

I know, after reading this myself, I also think....what are you doing?!?! Why are you leaving this life?!

Consider my next post. April 26, 2007:

Sometimes I wonder, at almost 26 years old - why am I still so undecided ina life path? Why do I run in so many different directions? Or maybe - why do I run from the direction I know I should have been going all along? Flying is a fantastic way to run from any kind of committed path in life. That's the trouble. It's too easy. The life exists in the realm of exotic, privledged, opportune and progressive. The reality, is the running and change become an addiction. A habit. You become accustomed to the constantly changing faces and places, the independance, the extravagence, the spontenaity and the lifestyle. It is tough - no pun intended - to come back to Earth and get a normal 9-5 job like most people. It could be the most stimulating, enjoyable, thought provoking employment out there - I don't think anything can come close to flying for me. (Thankfully, I don't feel this way anymore!) So, this is what scares me. I don't want to do this forever. I don't want to get sucked into such a mindless, and ultimately directionless life.

It took me about a year and a half to recover from such a drastic 180 shift. At first, I stayed positive because I truely was in a state of shock. I was numb. I had just had my hand cut off, and I didn't even feel it. About a month passed, and I suddenly and violently felt the pain. I quickly swirled into a deep, dark hole...One that was so deep, I couldn't see the light at the top. So deep, I lost all bearings. I had no idea how far I had fallen....

To say I'm in a different place today does not do me justice. I'm not boasting or bragging...I'd say more along the lines of marveling.... Again, not sure if this makes any sense. I climbed out of that pit with the faithful support of my family, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and true friends. I went from the literal depths of confusion and heartache, to the top of a pristine mountain, shouting from the peaks. Forgive the analogies, but I don't know of a way to describe it. I'm sure as more time passes, I will be able to reflect a little more clearly and concisely.

So because this post is painfully long (sorry!!!! didn't realize you'd be reading a confessional, did ya?!) I will do another post this week about my plan to reach that rapid boil stage. Like I said, I'm vigorously simmering. These new opportunities have taken me a whole year to chase after. I don't think I could have made it work at any other time. I wasn't ready. I was still half numb, half awake. Not 100%. But I'm there, and I'm ready to fight for my future. It's bright, it's bubbling. I can feel it!