See, Women Aren't That Hard To Figure Out....

What she says:

"Are you listening to me?"

What She Means:

"Too late, you're dead."

What she says:

“I know, I hear the baby. I’m getting up”

What she means:

“I’m not actually getting up. I’m dramatically propping myself up on my elbows and waiting for you to pre-empt my getting up with your getting up”

What she says:

"It's your decision"

What she means:

"The correct decision should be obvious by now."

What she says:

"You have to learn to communicate."

What she means:

"You need to learn to agree with me."

What she says:

"I need new shoes."

What she means:

"The other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade."

What she says:

"I'm not upset."

What she means:

"Of course I'm upset, you moron!"

What she says:

“Could you please pass the salt.”

What she means:

“My life is a prison! I’m overwhelmed and overworked! Why do I have to keep track of everything? Can’t anyone ever take care of me?”

What she says:

“Do you want to order in tonight?”

What she means:

“Run me a bath and bring me a bottle of Advil. Then take the kids out for pizza and don’t come back until Friday.”