Words of Affirmation

Airplane hand holding, reading a surprisingly lovely quote in the magazine in my back seat pocket!

I have done a lot of thinking lately about "love language". Mostly, what is mine?! As I've gotten older, become more confident in what I want, and what I don't, matured (at least a little!), I really can say that my love language is Words of Affirmation. Do you know what  yours is?


If you haven't read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, get your behind to the library or bookstore and pick up a copy. No book has better help me understand how to love people in my life, motivation, and why people do what they do. You can actually take a quiz to find out on the official website HERE.

I love doing things for other people - giving - cooking - helping - motivating etc. When I hear uplifting words from them, it makes me want to do MORE for these people.

I've paid attention to what makes me feel loved, and what makes me feel sad. I feel anxious, insecure, and unloved when I don't hear uplifting comments from people in my life. Some people aren't comfortable giving them, or they feel like they're flattering the other person too much by saying nice things.

BUT

This is about building up others with your words and tone to express encouragement to your loved one. This is not about verbal flattery, but lifting up the person you love. When I receive affirming encouraging words, I am motivated to reach out a helping hand to my loved one, give back, and work together on "our" happiness. I love thanking people. I love telling people I love them. I love showing my appreciation and gratitude to others...and now I know, it's because it's my own love language.

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. 

Haven't we all, at some time or other, felt that we just weren’t being  appreciated – that we were simply being taken for granted? We work our hands to the bone – day in and day out, but no one ever says a word of appreciation?  Its like we were just a piece of furniture around the house – or a robot working , or a cleaning or meal-making  machine?  We would give anything – in those situations -  for someone just to say a simple word of appreciation or to notice. 

To me, it's  more about affirmation than appreciation. I need to know from people that they care, they thought about me, or they love me. It's important for me to hear. I suppose that's why I text my parents every morning in New York to tell them I love them. I want to make sure they start their day with a reminder that I miss them, and I'm thinking about them. If your loved one speaks and understands this love language, don’t just leave it with a nice birthday card and an “I love you” every second Sunday.

Be creative and let them know how you feel and think: I like that dress - it makes you look even more beautiful. I really admire the way you have been dealing with this situation. I respect you because… And to a friend: I’ve had such a good time. I really enjoy your company.

Words of affirmation examples:

• Thank you so much for picking up______
• You are a wonderful wife/girlfriend/husband because _______ 
• You are a great mom because________ 
• Have I told you 'I love you' yet today? 
• Wow, this is a wonderful dinner! 

Be careful what you say in general if your loved one has words of affirmation as his or her primary love language: 

• Don’t be critical or mean - even though he or she was wrong and you both know it. 
• Don’t joke about leaving for another, how dreadful it is to be married, the good old days when I was still single etc. 
• The same with children: No jokes about the wonderful life you had before them. 
• Never say anything disrespectful or uncaring about him or her to a third party. 

Thinking of it… These rules should apply to all of us, but they are really important if you have a mate/child/mother with words of affirmation as their primary love language. Putting words to our dedication to a relationship, lets our loved one know that we are not in the boat because we feel obligated to, but because we want to. I call my mom because I like to talk to her. I call my friend and tell her what’s on my mind because I really appreciate her feedback. I hope they know. 

“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Prov. 12:25 

The other 4 love languages are:

• In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• Receiving Gifts

  Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• Acts of Service

  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

• Physical Touch

  This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.